Strength
by fearlessxx
Summary: The thoughts of Robin Scherbatsky when Barney announces his engagement, and what Robin decides to do about it the night before his wedding.


The second Barney announced his engagement; I knew what we had together was officially _over_. No more cheating (this was good at least), no more secret amorous flirtations we would shoot each other across the booth when no one was looking, No more..._us_. It was almost like our history was non-existent, extinct, _nothing_. I wanted to be happy for him, really I did, but when you've had a history like Barney and I, it's hard not to feel a punch in the gut, or a stab to the chest. It hurt like hell, but I would never admit it to him, never. I take in the scenery around me and try to appear like I have been listening all this time, when I was really trying to pull the imaginary hand away that was choking my throat and suffocating me. Marvin needed a change, so Marshall and Lily go in to change him, Quinn following close behind, Leaving Barney alone with me. Wonderful.

The first words that came out of Barney's mouth send chills through my entire body, "Last chance to run away together, doors right there." I notice his hands are sweaty, and he's casually wiping them on his pants leg, hoping I don't notice. I know that he's joking. I'm not stupid, but every part of me wishes that what he said was what he really wanted, because deep down every part of me wanted to grab his hand and run out that door, leaving everyone behind, our lives behind, the world behind. But life doesn't work that way. There are consequences for our actions. So I play along.

"Yes, start a new life." I give him a weak smile and hope that he doesn't see through my poorly built up façade, hoping my feelings from deep within me don't lurk to the surface past my tongue.

"Jump the border!" He jokes, flashing his signature Stinson smile in my direction.

"Canada!" I suggest, sensing an insult on the rise.

"Ehh Mexico, Canada sucks." I smile genuinely this time, "Well you're one quarter Canadian so by that logic you one quarter suck." I didn't mean that of course, but it was all in good fun. Like what friends do. That's all we are now. Too bad my heart argues otherwise… Barney means so much more to me… than just a_ friend_, and I know it. The way he makes me feel when we're alone together makes me _happy_. A feeling I haven't been feeling very often lately. But no one had to know that. Thinking about a ted-like, mushy gushy, head over heels relationship with someone would normally scare the hell out of me, but with Barney, nothing in the world felt more natural. I knew I had to let that feeling go though, he was with Quinn now. He loves her. That's all that matters. My feelings sure don't. If I were to confess right now all the thoughts I've been having about us, about how I was wrong, and that nothing would mean more to me than to run away together, _right now_, It would destroy our relationship, not that it wasn't already broken, but I'm too late, and he deserves more. I couldn't ruin his one shot at happiness, that's not what a _friend_ does. Even if our relationship meant completely different things to both of us, I would just have to suck it up and settle. Just _suck it up _Scherbatsky. This is what you live for, Bad timing, and deeper feelings that no one will ever know about.

"I am 100% awesome, and you know it." He smirks, sending a wave of realization upon me. I really did know it. I didn't want to play this little charade anymore; I wanted to tell him how I really felt. I wanted to tell him so much more than that he was 100% awesome (which he was, of course). I wanted to tell him that he was an idiot for jumping in too soon in an engagement; I wanted to tell him he was idiot for liking me, I wanted to tell him he was an idiot for letting go of our relationship, because deep down within me, I never had. I want to tell him that he was an idiot for never realizing that what we had together meant so much more to me then he will _ever know_. But most of all, I just wanted to simply tell him that he was an idiot, so he would receive the true meaning behind those words that I wanted him to know _so badly_, damnit barney, _I love you. I really do.__  
_  
"Yeah, I do." I breathe, casting a serious tone into the words that slip out my mouth, to make sure the conversation that this is leading to will no longer be taken as a joke, because _I honestly can't handle this for much longer._ A craving attracts me to stare longingly into his deep, oceanic blue eyes, searching for a sign that maybe he feels the same way I do, but all I see is an understanding of friendship. There is nothing more he has given, and my heart sinks into my chest. I break eye contact; leading Barney to think that maybe there's something wrong. _Of course there's something wrong, nothing is right without you._ "Look I hope this isn't weird or anything because..." He starts, breaking the awkwardness I had made and continues to find my eyes again, searching for my feelings in this matter, which I try and hide so skillfully, but the tears that I feel rising to the surface are about to give everything away, and my walls I had built up the entire time he was with Quinn would all come crashing down, so I stop him before they do; "Barney I'm..." _so in love with you…_"really happy for you."

The concern in Barney's face remains, almost if he doesn't believe the words that I'm speaking. The sadness that seeps into his eyes almost sends me over the edge, but I remain still. He continues to search me, _please don't see through me_. It was the last thing I wanted. He opens his mouth at last to speak, "Really?" almost if he was analyzing my feelings, knowing full well that _I wasn't okay. No Barney, not really, it i__**s**__ weird that you're engaged with a woman you barely know. I'm not okay with this decision. I'm not okay with you spending your life with someone else. I'm not okay with our history being tossed aside like I'm just another number to you, I am happy for you as a friend, but we aren't friends. Not to me you aren't. You're __**so**__ much more than that. I need you more than you realize. I miss you so much. Let's run away together._  
"Really." I nod, using all my strength not to break down. I had to be strong. That's what a friend would do.


End file.
